[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
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Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Become ungovernable.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school