Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
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Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking