I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
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Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg