breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
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[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?