In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
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Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.