Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
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The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.