“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
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Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.