I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
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I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Breaking news:
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away