Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
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If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.