I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
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“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint