Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
You Might Also Like
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens