idk what this dog had been going through but same
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OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Milk Cube
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”