“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
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i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
me
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Practicing safe sax
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”