I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
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Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out