The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
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The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.