Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Trying
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”