No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
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Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.