much to think about
You Might Also Like
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
what does he know…
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Don’t tell me what to do
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My purse is deeper than some people.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN