*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
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They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Respect
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.