whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
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Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree