Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
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[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
This makes total sense…
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Does beer think about me too?
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.