absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
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Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Not helping
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Dolls on drugs
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.