date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
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Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm