didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
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5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.