What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
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We’re all getting idioter.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
philosophical skeletons be like
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.