[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
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*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag