I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Found the job I’m suited for
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation