“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
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Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me