The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
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Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
HR said no more nunchucks.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I only eat vegetarians.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”