[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
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why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.