They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
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Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I hope Alan is OK
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Does it…does it take 3 days
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.