I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
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Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.