[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
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Can we not just call it Zealand now?
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
The point of your 20s
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My purse is deeper than some people.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF