“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
You Might Also Like
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
asking santa clause for nudes
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
🙁