I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
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ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Morning my dudes.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.