If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
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I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle