Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
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I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach