Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
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holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*