I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
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God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom