Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
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In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Spider-cat: No One Home
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Schrödinger’s cookie
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.