Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
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My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat