I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
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*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.