My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
ok this is my dumbest yet
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?