I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
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Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Why font matters.
Optional boss fight.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.