Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
You Might Also Like
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
He a real one for that
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?