Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
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Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.