What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
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Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
We’ve all been there…
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?