I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
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3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
🙂🙃🥹
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection