*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
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me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.