Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
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Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.